Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
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Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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