I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
