he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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