I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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