I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
