He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
