Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
