forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
