the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
