Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
