I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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