Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
