It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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