oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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