i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
did you just send me my own nude
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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