Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
