Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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