I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
