remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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