i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
