Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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