I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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