I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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