i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
