yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
