ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
