He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
