Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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