I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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