and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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