I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
