I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
