No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
