Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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