Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
