"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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