New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
