I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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