I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
