I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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