I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
God I need to hump something, right now.
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