TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
