im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
