I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
