My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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