Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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