Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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