you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
