Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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