The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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