A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
