yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
