I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
