Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
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So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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